GRATITUDE IS A TWO WAY STREET PART 2
Welcome to Part 2 of, “Gratitude Is a Two Way Street.” If you didn’t get a chance to read Part 1, I would like to suggest taking a moment to review last week’s reflection to help set the stage for this one.
No One Is Safe From Criticism
Before I continue the discussion from last week: “How to Deal with Ungrateful People,” I would like to add closure to the story surrounding Linda. This individual was a prime example of someone who worked hard in bursts, but had moments where a lack of instant gratification led to a decrease of motivation and production. She set expectations that those with whom she interacted would somehow “give her the world,” and genuinely love her. This can be a slippery slope to follow throughout one’s life. It doesn’t matter who we are; there will always be people in the world who will never believe in us, find it difficult to love us, or be unwilling to give us the credit we feel we deserve. It would be nearly impossible to identify one public figure who has zero critics or is unconditionally loved by people around the world. While most of us develop tolerance over time, it’s challenging to learn to totally accept criticism or rejection. At the end of the day, we are human and have human emotions, while trying to sustain a level of self respect, self esteem, and at the same time, learn to master owning who we are.
Level Setting with Linda
My last interaction with Linda was initiated based on my personal objective of beginning a dialog; however, let’s just say, she did not exhibit a willingness to receive it. At the onset of this conversation, I began by just listening. I allowed her to vent and release some of her emotion. As I mentioned in past reflections, I have come to believe that “patience is my superpower.” I often tell people, “you will most likely have friends who will ‘yes’ you to death and agree with everything you say; then, there will be those willing to check you and tell you the truth, even when it hurts.” I am a firm believer in being transparent and honest when engaging with others.
I was clear with Linda of the importance of each of us doing our part by striving for progress each day rather than focusing on perfection. I also reminded her not to neglect the line of business in which she not only did extremely well, but loved, prior to transitioning into this new space. There is no harm in doing something that comes natural to us, as long as we don’t dislike it in the present moment. This allows us to nurture that new business venture and not feel pressured by the need to be immediately successful, earning significant revenue at the onset. I also emphasized that trust, respect, and building a desirable reputation in this new space would require patience and time. Regardless of our personal investment in our craft, being aware of what the competition is doing might be fine, but in the end, our only competition is really ourselves. There is no value in comparing financials or chasing other people’s timelines.
Why Gratitude Is a Two Way Street?
I concluded the conversation by expressing to Linda my philosophy that “Gratitude Is a Two Way Street.” I shared that sometimes, while people may be quick to ask others for favors or support, they then, selfishly, make excuses for not reciprocating. When I used the request I had thrown her way as an example, she had no rebuttal or excuse. Rather, after a long pause and probably some self-reflection, she merely stated, “I see what you mean.” When put in this position, it is important to assess whether an individual is willing to make progress or will simply make excuses. In Linda’s case, it was a hybrid of both, so I made the decision to respectfully create distance by being open and transparent with her. I will always wish her well in life and, from time-to-time, still do wellness checks on her. However, this can be a lesson to all of us, that it’s not our job to rescue everyone we encounter in life. We all want to help others, but it is equally important to be self-aware, and able to identify when another is taking advantage of our kindness. I have many friends, like myself, who are kind, but they are not naive. Be sure not to confuse the two.
Whether you have a Linda in your life or not, sooner or later you will encounter one. While there may be many tactical approaches for dealing with ungrateful people, here are five steps, for your consideration, which you may find helpful, when you do.
HOW TO DEAL WITH UNGRATEFUL PEOPLE
Don’t be afraid to have a difficult conversation with an ungrateful person. Too often, they skate freely through life, unaware, and never having anyone who will honestly check them. People love to hear praise, receive gifts, and be told they are right. But, there are times when we all need friends who are willing to tell us what we need to hear; not what we want to hear. We have to be willing to point out the issues, call them out, and challenge them head on.
I feel it’s important to always keep an open mind. Actively listen and don’t try to solve everything all at once. We have to realize that, at one point or another, we will all need support from others. There are people who focus on the “me, myself, and I,” mentality, and I salute them if they feel that’s what works. But, there comes a moment in time where we sometimes must take a leap of faith and trust. When I say trust, I mean being willing to ask for help, and also willing to fail, while accepting the potential struggle along the way. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but strength. It is human to feel overwhelmed when the solution isn’t in front of us, but we all get there. We just have to believe in ourselves and keep moving forward
Occasionally, be willing to take a few steps back and assess the individual and situation. In most cases, people will just be who they are, and it’s not our responsibility to change them. It cannot be our duty to solve their problems or be their savior. Depending on each individual relationship, we should be prepared to navigate carefully. There could be a middle ground allowing us to support them, while at the same time, not being afraid to say no or call them out (revisit step #1). In some cases, it might even be good practice to evaluate whether the imbalance of the relationship makes them worthy of remaining in our lives.
Be mindful of your mental well being and health. Set expectations at the beginning, or even during the process, while being in the trenches together. It’s okay to say, “enough is enough,” and walk away; or, create boundaries or a buffer of space. It is always important to communicate our thoughts and struggles versus keeping it inside as resentment towards helping them grows. This is truly that level-setting moment and the kind of transparency all personal and professional relationships need. It’s okay to choose yourself because in the end, it comes down to self-respect.
The last bit of advice I might add is being willing to say “I tried my best,” and then finding the peace within ourselves to walk away. By simply reviewing some of the traits and tendencies outlined in Part 1, it becomes apparent that many of those characteristics will not change overnight. Nobody can help others who are not interested in doing their own inner work. Gratitude is a two-way street that not only requires give and take, but also compassion and empathy towards the other individual. Our time on this planet is priceless, and it is important that we value and preserve our own happiness and mental well being. There is no shame in being a good human being. When we reach that inner knowing, life-balance, and love for ourselves, we may just look at ungrateful people much differently.
