GRATITUDE IS A TWO WAY STREET PART 1
I tell people all the time, “Gratitude is a two way street.” In an ideal world, one would hope the concept of gratitude lives up to that expression, but more often than not, we end up disappointed. Long before introducing my limited edition Beyond the Legacy “Gratitude” shirt, I had been preaching the importance of gratitude with almost everyone in life with whom I crossed paths. To this day, I not only preach it, but I live it. I remind people to start each day with gratitude and end with the same practice. We often complain about the little things that get under our skin or annoy us on a daily basis. The thing that people overlook is the fact that life can always be much worse. There’s an expression, “If it’s not going to matter in five years, don’t waste more than five minutes thinking about it.” I want you to remember that quote when faced with adversity, or when potentially dealing with an ungrateful person in your life.
A PRIME EXAMPLE OF “THE TAKER”
I’ve had countless conversations over the years with athletes, family, friends, and professional contacts. When we dive into deeper conversation, or perhaps venting sessions, the stories of ungratefulness pile up. We all know that “someone” who we will label, “The Taker.” We don’t have to name names, but considering the light giggle and smile that has most likely emerged across your face while reading this, you know exactly who I’m talking about. It’s the person who feels the world revolves around them; the client who wants to build an empire but has a shoestring budget; or, it’s the family member with all the complaints and excuses as to why they are struggling but have zero interest in coming up with solutions. These are the people that have tunnel vision and have the mindset of “What can you do for me?” versus, “How are you holding up overall?”; “How can I support you?”; or, “How are you and the family doing?” The Taker’s request typically begins with the premise of using a few minutes of your time, but ultimately snowballs into extended periods of time. The scope, demand, and associated tasks often become ridiculous and absurd.
I’ve had countless experiences with people in my life who know how to ask for favors; love to “take-take-take”; and often leverage my expertise and kindness for opportunistic reasons. Ask anyone who has known me for 30+ years; or, has even just recently met me. They will, more likely than not, vouch for my overall character by telling you that patience is my superpower. I tend to be very calculated and cerebral, but do everything with a genuine purpose, because I usually believe strongly in whatever person or cause I am choosing to support. Wisdom most often comes with time and experience. During self-reflection, if you pay attention, you will most likely notice that your instincts and intuition often heighten over time to complement your wisdom. We all have been taken advantage of, but just when you think you’ve seen it all, life has a way of blessing you with a new lesson to walk away with. Embrace the journey regardless of the outcome.
A PERSONAL STORY OF UNGRATEFULNESS
I remember helping someone a while back by offering some of my professional advice. It's a core belief for me to pay it forward by helping family and friends, within reason, of course. I am convinced that the whole six degrees of separation that we hear about is real. And, I firmly believe that every challenge we are faced with in life can usually be solved through our network of family and friends. This same person I helped was a true “Taker'' with a hint of jealousy. For the sake of storytelling I’m going to give this “Taker'' the fictitious name of Linda. I don’t personally know a Linda and if by chance there is one in my community, I’m respectfully not referring to or talking about you.
Linda’s jealousy was directed towards the successful people in her professional space who were flourishing with their clients and partners. The venting by Linda was toxic and filled with negativity, which prompted me to ask her one simple question, “How many years has this person been nurturing and growing their business?” to which she responded,“About 6 years.” I countered with, “How many years have you truly invested in this same professional vertical?” Linda replied, “One year. This is new to me.” While keeping a straight face, I simply stated, “Relationships, partnerships, and trust are earned not given. You truly have to put in the work, go through the grind, and remain humble through the successes and failures. While other things may have come easy for you in life, you can’t expect them to be handed to you. The people you are criticizing have more than likely experienced the cycle of putting in the work, facing failure, taking on losses, learning from them, and then failing once again.” Needless to say Linda was not happy, nor did she want to accept that as a reality. While I did not actually express the following analogy to Linda, it certainly came to mind: “Just because you know how to hold a pair of scissors and can turn on some electric clippers doesn’t mean I’m going to trust you to cut my hair.” We should have respect and gratitude for the people in this world who have put their hearts and souls into their craft or expertise.
AN UNGRATEFUL PERSON HAS ZERO INTENT TO RETURN THE GRATITUDE
It’s very important to understand the intent behind someone’s actions. It will reveal everything you need to know about that person and their character. I’ve had enough history with Linda to understand the source of her intent. I decided to test her to see if the gratitude and thanks she verbalized for my help and support was genuine. I would get plenty of, “Thank you’s” “This is very helpful,” and “I feel like I’m making great progress thanks to you” but words only go so far. Needless to say, I tasked Linda with a request to review something near and dear to me. It would take 30-45 minutes of her time max, and the next time we connect, we could discuss her feedback and thoughts. It was a task that would have meant a lot to me, especially considering that I just invested 6-8 hours to help her.
Time went by and, as suspected, Linda had excuse after excuse as to why she couldn’t get to it. At the same time, she was often eager to jump on a video call or reach out, hoping to receive feedback or strategize on things that would only serve her. Have no fear, after my initial, upfront investment of my time, I ceased entertaining future requests after Linda failed to deliver on mine. In my opinion, my conservative investment of time towards Linda was not a total waste. It taught me a few life lessons, and I ultimately obtained valuable takeaways I am now able to share with others. I am a firm advocate of helping others, but also believe in trusting instincts when it comes to setting boundaries if the gratitude turns into a one way street.
HERE ARE TEN COMMON TRAITS & TENDENCIES OF AN UNGRATEFUL PERSON
Ungrateful people:
Tend to exhibit jealousy or hate for other successful people.
May appear to be quick to play the victim or cry out “poor me.”
Frequently ask for help but have little or no time to return the gratitude.
May be genuinely artificial with nurturing and establishing relationships and the people that consistently interact with them may clearly see the inconsistency in their words and actions.
Only focus on their well being and success with a “Me-Me-Me” mentality versus thinking about “We” “Us” or “Them”
Appear to exhibit waves of unhappiness and lows because even some of their success is never enough.
Typically have a large ego with a splash of entitlement perhaps because they are used to getting their way or having things handed to them in life.
May appear to be out of touch with reality and have a very short term memory. You might find yourself experiencing their disappear-reappear moments based on what they need from you at the time. Some return even after explicitly asking them at some time in the past to leave you alone. It's almost laughable when takers reach out after time has passed, acting as though nothing ever transpired, or that your relationship has always been on the best of terms.
Show characteristics of having self esteem issues. You may find that a lot of their jealousy, blame or insecurity dates back to childhood or stems from previous personal/professional experiences.
Often chase other people’s timelines only to complain when comparing results and success.
If you want to see how this story ends, check back next week for Part 2. I plan on diving into, “How to Deal with Ungrateful People.” I’ll also bring closure by outlining how I used boundaries and direct communication with Linda to level set with her and manage expectations moving forward. Be sure to pass along this story privately or share directly on social if it resonates with you. There’s a high possibility everyone has a Linda in their lives.
