A SALUTE TO THE FAMILY ANCHOR
ARE YOU THE FAMILY ANCHOR?
I’m most cases, if you have to think about it you are more than likely not the family anchor. The anchor is the calm to the chaos, the voice of reason to the adversity, and the the individual(s) in the family that can be counted on in good times and bad. Brian Tracy once said, “Fortunately, leaders are made, not born. You learn to become a leader by doing what other excellent leaders have done before you.”
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Does being the family anchor mean you are the leader of the family? I would say not necessarily. Some assume the anchor is the family member that’s always right, the most successful, the closest one to being a saint, the smartest, or the most senior. Once again, that’s not always the case. You are not anointed as the bearer of this responsibility; it's something you earn over time. Truthfully it’s not meant for everyone to take on and that’s perfectly fine. Similar to the captain of an athletic team or the pilot of an aircraft, you know the responsibility on your shoulders and why your actions, integrity, and life choices matter. You have the official and unofficial responsibility of being the glue and the trusted soul to deliver, and to keep everyone in check, in good spirits, and safe.
GOING ABOVE AND BEYOND THE CALL OF DUTY
It’s very common for the family anchor to think proactively and be flexible to react and pivot as needed. There are moments when in a leadership position or as a parent you focus on doing what needs to be done versus overthinking and worrying about having the perfect solution or all the answers. A family anchor doesn’t get fazed by obstacles or whatever is asked of them. It takes patience, maturity, and gratitude for the individual to step up and deliver. This recent pandemic showed a lot of families who the true anchor or anchors are in their respective families.
Speaking for myself, I’ve been the anchor in the family to my parents and older sister since long before the pandemic. During the height of the pandemic, the onus was on me to think strategically and proactively to keep my parents and sister safe. I was the one shopping and delivering their groceries, taking them to any medical appointments, and checking on them daily to make sure they were safe and in good health.
Over the years I’ve grown organically into this role thanks to experience and maturity. There’s a lot that we do for family that stays under the radar and is done privately without drawing any attention to it. In time, the actions and effort become second nature. As you reflect on life, you can’t help but recognize all the things your parents and extended family have done for you. There is no price tag you can put on the tangible and intangible experiences and things they provided. In life you have two choices: Be grateful and return the gratitude, or live somewhere in the gray area in between grateful and ungrateful. You want to avoid using the words, “I wish I could have…” when with each day you are blessed to wake up, you have the opportunity to change that narrative.
BEING THE CALM DURING ADVERSITY AND MOMENTS OF CHAOS
From the outside looking in, it may appear that the family anchor is calm, cool, and collected. For anyone that falls into this category, we have our moments where we want to scream at the top of a mountain, take a baseball bat to random items in a junkyard, and vent our frustrations to anyone willing to listen. We are human and have our moments of frustration, sadness, vulnerability, and doubt. Some of us have a really good poker face and can look very stoic and unfazed.
Still, the majority of the time we find that inner balance of calm and manage to transfer that energy and assurance to the family. Part of being the anchor is not being afraid to fail and knowing that if you do, you’ll find a way to turn things around for the better. When you look at a strong leader, you can’t help but recognize their integrity, influence, ability to communicate, self awareness, empathy, and gratitude for the position they are in. Over time you more than likely grow into these qualities, and maybe some are God-given in our DNA. Rest assured, the family anchor will be the trusted presence to protect and care for the family.
EMBRACING DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS
Take a look at your life and ask yourself, do you face adversity or difficult conversations head on, or do you run from them? My PSA to those that run and hide is this: First and foremost, it’s okay to not be comfortable with difficult conversations or adversity. However, the reality you run from doesn’t change until you face it head on, it will only find a new way to reintroduce itself into your life. I experienced my share working professionally in Human Resources, interacting with clients and athletes, and with personal relationships.
Difficult conversations are inevitable. It’s not something most people look forward to, although I have known people over the years that absolutely love to have them. By embracing difficult conversations as the family anchor you are proving that you have the courage to prepare for the worst but hope for the best. The art of having difficult conversations involves communication, having an open mind and showing empathy. The point is not to be right, but to allow the family member or person on the other side to share their perspective. We can learn a lot from someone from just letting them explain their “why” and asking questions from a discovery point of view.
I don’t condone an act of interrogation or an argument filled with judgement. That tactic will make it difficult to succeed and find forward progress. Everyone’s past finds a way to speak to the present and future. As a family anchor you’ll find yourself being the therapist, moderator, and decision-maker all in one. While a senior member of a family may pull rank and try to dictate and control the narrative, that’s neither the purpose nor the solution of embracing difficult family conversations. When it’s all said and done, you have to be willing to do what’s best for the greater good of all and not what’s always best for you. An anchor must be willing to put ego aside and lead with an open mind.
SACRIFICE MEETS RELIABILITY
To all the family anchors reading this reflection, I salute you. What you are about to receive is something some of you hear from time to time and for some, you may never hear it in a lifetime. On behalf of myself and Beyond the Legacy, “Thank you for everything you do!”
When you self-reflect, you see that while your friends, experiences, successes, and failures complemented the foundation of what your parents or family sacrificed for you growing up, your family played an enormous role in shaping the person you are today. Over the years and into adulthood, the tables will turn and the gratitude will either click or it won’t. Incidentally, I’m not trying to guilt trip or diminish members of the family who aren’t this anchor--not being the anchor doesn’t mean you don’t have gratitude or a willingness to make sacrifices for your family.
As anchors, we have sacrificed immeasurable time and energy to be the rock for the family. I’ve seen family anchors sacrifice careers, relationships, opportunities, and experiences with friends over the years. I often hear people say things like, “If I don’t do it, nobody will,” or “I’m willing to do whatever it takes for family,” or “I don’t see it as a sacrifice because it’s for family.” At some point in time in your life, you may have been labeled with the word, “selfless.” As a friendly reminder to the anchors out there, please take the time to treat yourself and do the things that make you happy. We are often guilty of giving and caring for others we often forget about caring for ourselves.
WHY DO WE DO IT?
So why do we do it? The answer is both simple and complicated: “Family Is Everything!” As anchors we are strongly driven by our gratitude and respect for family. From my personal experience, I recognize and appreciate everything my parents have done for me and my sister, and I’m grateful that with everything that’s going on in the world, they are in good health and have continued to remain safe.
Time and experience has prepared me for tomorrow and I don’t regret any of the life choices I made over the years for family. I firmly believe that if you stay true to your core values and center your energy around the people and things that matter to you the most, you’ll always be at peace with your life choices. In the end, life has taught me that careers come and go, not all friendships and relationships last a lifetime, and all the materialistic things we own stay here on earth when we are gone. The one consistent presence that has your back in good times and bad is family.
Yes, the definition of family might mean something different to each person but however you define family, it will often supersede the other choices in your life. For many, their respective faith is right up there as well. Being the anchor comes with a responsibility that changes from day to day. We aren’t asking for recognition, praise or anything in return monetarily. I will say, regardless of what you represent to your family, lead each day with empathy, patience and gratitude. We have so much going on in the world, judgement is the last thing we should attach to family. Compassion and love is a good starting point.
